oh my aching back

Fear....does NOT come from the Lord but comes from the enemy! Today I feel like the cat above.....who needs a spine not me today! But I have mine mostly rods and screws. I am in pain. I have fear....yes I am a Christian and place my faith in God but there are times in life where I let fear and worry over come the peace that comes from Jesus Christ. Now I am doing just that! Ever since my last doctors appoitment I have been fearfull of what will happen at my next appoitment. Fearfull of another surgery. Fearfull of not doing what I should be or doing too much. I am not super women. I am only a human being who is a child of God and needs to take care of herself. Something I am not very good at doing. So, with that said please continue to life me up in prayer as I struggle with these very real fears and stresses.

UGH!

So, yesterday I was very excited about the kids not having school. I still am to an extent but wish they would sleep more but I know in a few more years I'll be wanting them outside shoveling snow instead of sleeping until noon. So....I can't have my pie and eat it too! I am venting today mainly because I am frustrated and don't know how to express myself. I am tired! Last week was wonderful spending time with my dad and grandmother but I am truly exhausted even after 2 nights with 12 hours of sleep. My body is still working on healing and sleep is heavenly. Last night was a bit rough with 2 of 3 kids sleeping in bed with me. While I LOVE that I don't get a good nights sleep. Josh is grumpy with his meds keeping him up at all sorts of crazy hours. I am really proud of him though for making some huge progress on his classes he needs for ordination in August! So, all this mama wants is a litte bit of shut eye so I can have a fun afternoon with my kids! Is that too much to ask? I don't think so.

When it's cooollllldddd outside and we are blessed with no school......

This is what we do.............. we bundle up to stay warm,
we use our beach toys for snow toys,

we smile because we are having so much fun! Oh yeah and we are at home not in a hospital some where!

We ride our sleads down the slide and wear each other's scarves,

We learn to chop vegatables and cook,

Even the boys help make Chili!

And we

make love food for the birds! If I wear a bird though I would not be out in this weather. I would be in FLORDIA where it is much warmer!!!!

Timmy my heart Baby then and Timmy my Amazing Boy now!

My Timmy Boy Now!!!!! The cutest Joseph EVER!!!!!

My Christmas Baby Boy!

5 years ago Today I Became a Heart Mother

The Day I Became a Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,
I'll never be the same.
They told me that my child was sick.
I thought, "am I to blame"?
I don't think I can handle this.
I am really not that strong.
It seemed my heart was breaking.
I have loved him for so long.

I will not give up on this child.
I will listen to your advice.
I will give my child any chance.
No matter what the price.
I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.
I'll even use that feeding tube.
My child must survive!

Will he need a lot of therapy?
Will he gain the needed weight?
Please God, help me do this.
I will accept our fate.

When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.
How many parents would love that sound.
Tomorrow I will be kinder.
As another Angel earns his wings,
I run to my child's bed.
I watch him sleep for quite a while.
I bend down and kiss his head.
I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.
I look to You wondering why?
Oh Lord, I just can't know your ways....no matter how I try.

And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.
My mind says savor each moment he's here,
but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!

From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.
From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.
From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.
With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.

For all who see that faded line.
I look to them and smile.
You see my child is loved so much.
I would face ANY trial.
That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).
God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).

A heart mom is always a heart mom.
Now wise beyond her years.
For those who have angels in heaven,
Our hearts share in all of your tears.

Every day I will try and remember,
I was chosen for him (and no other).
I will always embrace that beautiful day.......
When I became a "Heart Mother".

Our world was rocked this day! 5 years ago I will never forget my husband having the talk no parent should have to have with our family doctor that Timmy might not make it and we should baptism him right then. It was just Josh and I there nothing fancy or spectacular just two parents in a hospital room wanting to make sure their little boy was going to be with Jesus if need be. The Blank Children's Hospital transport Nurse Liz Cain came into the room and assessed Timmy. She got an i.v. in and some oxygen on him. It was so surreal leaving the hospital with people watching quietly as we left. That day we got up to Blank Children's Hospital in Des Moines, IA and the admitting pediatrician said do you know your child has a heart defect? Um...NOOOO!!!!!!!!! So, as Josh and my family came we learned what his defects were/are and how they could be fixed we just had to wait for his lungs to heal from the R.S.V. I am thrilled to say today he is a healthy, happy, 110% BOY!!!!! I love him so stinking much and I am so glad that God gave him BACK to us!