Sunday, June 2, 2013

ReJection part 2

Now the more in depth part of this........
My parents divorced in between my 5th and 6th grade years.  That year the church that I had found stability in also split.  So, not only was I going through the moving to a new school, house, and my parents finding a new church.  I was also dealing with the loss of my dad moving out of state.  So, going into 6th grade I was already insecure about moving and lacked the social skills that most kids have to make new friends.  I clung to teachers because they were "safe" and were not going to reject me no matter how bad of a bowl cut I had or how ugly my teeth looked with braces or how hunched over I was!  They accepted me.  In many ways I wonder what my jr. high years could have been like HAD I been that outgoing, bubbly person that most people see now!  Well, the fact is I can't go back and change it but I can learn from it!  In some ways I see myself utilizing the gifts that God has given me to reach out to jr. high kids who are in that weird awkward stage of life.  When I am in the midst of ministering to jr. high kids it is the one place that I know I am NOT going to be rejected!  I can let my wall down and be who I was meant to be.  In high school I knew people but didn't have a "group" of friends that I hung out with either.  In some ways looking back I super duper protected myself by putting all sorts of Christian Band Patches on my backpack and wearing "Christian" shirts to school.  I had a nice bubble around myself because I didn't want to get hurt.  I'll never forget being in 7th grade gym class and this kid, his name was A.J.....he came up to me and asked if I wanted to go out.  I looked at him and said "no"!  I mean really who would have wanted to go out with me?  I don't even think I would have wanted to go out with me!  I was not the popular girl, nor the smart girl, nor the athletic girl.  I was the girl who wanted to be noticed!  In jr. high the cool kids wore Guess Jeans and had Esprite bags.  Do you remember those things?  I remember clearly, my mom taking me to the mall to look at buying a pair of Guess jeans and they were over $60 and she was like clearly I am not spending that kind of money on jeans for you.  REJECTION!!!!!!!!  Now my mom wasn't doing this out of hate, it just was not in the budget at that time.  From her saying "NO" to that I learned to condition myself that I was not worth this or that.  Now your thinking, didn't you know your mom LOVED you!  YES, I knew she loved me but for me this was more about how I was accepted at school.  I thought oh if I have those jeans then I can be accepted with the cool kids!  As I grew up throughout high school I learned as so many of you have to build that wall up around me.  If I don't let people in I won't have to feel rejected.  I didn't go through the "normal" high school boyfriend/girlfriend statues because I didn't want to be hurt.  I built that wall.  Why do we build a wall?  Why wouldn't we want to let someone in?  It's much easier to build the wall and just be casual than to let someone get in and know our heart.  To know the good, the bad, the ugly and STILL LOVE US for US!  This is my challenge going forward, to allow people in who want to invest in my life, who want to love me for me and stomp that fear of rejection in the ground!  If I get rejected it was for a good reason.  One I may or may not ever know or comprehend.  I have one more post to write.  Just not tonight!  What are you thoughts?


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