Reconcilation!

Today was a hard day too but much better! I took the kids to Kings Island and it was hard not calling dad and telling him about it because that was something he would have loved doing with us!

So, on with the story where we left off.....Josh and I were dating and he asked me what I thought about moving to a church in Iowa.  At this point in life I was dead set on going to the Honor Academy at Teen Mania, little did I know that plan would change.  I told Josh that I would LOVE to move to Iowa since the majority of my family was from there or lived there.  So, we went out and candidate....that is give a practice sermon.  It was the last weekend in August.  We had already driven out there prior so Josh could see what Iowa looked like since he had not been past Chicago!  We told my "mom", Sandy to bring dad and grandma and grandpa to the church.  Dad was very surprised to see us!  After church the board had a meeting with Josh to decided if he was the one for them.  While the meeting was going on I chit chatted with my family and I could tell my dad was getting very excited about the prospect of having me 2 hours away!  A side note, while we were talking my Grandpa Cobb said he needed to go for a walk.  So, he went for a walk and found a nursing home to play a piano in!  He was always on the look out for a piano to play for people!  We moved to Iowa a week later and God started mending a broken relationship between a father and a daughter.  To be quiet honest it may have never been broken, I was angry that my dad was so far away and the Lord provided a way for us to make up for lost time!  I am beyond grateful for the 6 years I had in Iowa with my dad.  It was by far one of the HARDEST days of my life to have to move from Iowa back to Indiana.  Some of the things that happened while living in Iowa that may have NEVER happened otherwise: we got to see my dad at least once a month, he got to be at the hospital within hours of each of the grandkids being born, I was a hop, skip and a jump away when Grandpa passed away, dad was there when Timmy was transferred to Blank Children's Hospital in Des Moines, we got to spend a few Christmas together and Thanksgiving's.  Something that had been missed for YEARS!, he was at the grandkids birthday celebrations.  The one thing that I have learned from the time the Lord gave to me with my dad being so close was that BE INTENTIONAL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS!!!!!! You NEVER know when they will be gone until next time!!!!

Seperation

DISCLAIMER: Today has been an emotionally rough day!

We live in a world of brokenness!  My parents were divorced after 19 years of marriage.  I'll never forget being in 5th grade gym class and proudly telling Mr. Foster, my parents are celebrating 19 years of marriage today to which he responded I hope they have many more!  Little did I know that my world was about to change and my dad was going to leave for Iowa and come back for a little while then leave for Colorado then come back for a little while and then leave for Iowa again this time for good.  In between those times my dad was hospitalized for various mental disorders.  This rocked my little world of being a 5th grader.  All of a sudden my dad is gone!  I dealt with the situation the best any child could have.  I was in counseling all throughout jr. high and high school because this was a strange time for me to begin with and now adjusting to a "new" dad and home.  This was not how life was supposed to be and I am sure my kids think the same thing but it is how life is.  Each summer we would spend a week with dad in Iowa.  This was the best week of the year because we got to plan what we did.  Some times we would go back to Jefferson, go swimming, ride bikes around town, go shopping in Boone, Carol, Des Moines or Ames.  We would go to Adventurland  each summer as well.  Dad would give us $50 or $100 in cash to spend on whatever we wanted!  Being a teenager and getting to spend cash given to you on whatever you wanted was exciting!  I would buy clothes, lotion, music or jewelry.  Some summers we would go to Wisconson Dells and one summer dad let me drive to the Mall of America!  It was exciting!  Little did I know how much my dad delighted in watching us spend the money and enjoy being kids with him!  Then it was back to reality back in Indiana.  Back to the broken world that we would now have to wait another year before we could see dad again.  Back to waiting each week in hopes that we would get to talk to him on the phone.  Waiting each week for his weekly diary letter and yes the $1 bill or stick of gum that John and I would fight over. In some ways I am sure God sits and waits for us to call him.  We should call and talk to our heavenly Father as much as we can!  He delights in that! As I grew older and become more involved in work I grew apart from my dad and was angry for the situation that I had no control over.  And Yes I am well aware at some point my children may become angry at me for the way things have gone.  I don't really remember the exact moment I just remember growing apart from my dad and not wanting to spend time working on our relationship.  I think it was him being in Iowa and me in Indiana and we lived two different lives.  But I am not 100% sure.  I am sure if Sly, my old boss from McDonald's, was reading this he could help me recall as I spent many hours talking to him about this!  Then I met Josh and he suggested moving to Iowa.  I was excited at the thought but did not want to get to excited because I would be closer to my dad again.  GOD'S HAND WAS IN THIS PART!  You'll have to come back tomorrow to see what happens!!!!!!

Remembering

This year is my first Father's day where my earthly father is no longer here.  It's the first of many to come that I won't be searching the card aisle to find him that perfectly worded card that only Hallmark could write!  and BEFORE my mother makes a comment YES I DO HAVE another FATHER figure in my life to buy a card for his name is BILL.  O.k. got that out of the way!  Now my dad had a collection of shirts that we had gotten him for fathers day ranging from a hat that said BANK of DAD (sorry closed) to a t-shirt that said something to the effect of Grandpa's the name Spoiling's the game!  He loved his grand kids to pieces and had a unique connection with each of them in his own special way.  Lily was the first born and like her mom the only granddaughter!  She had grandpa wrapped around her finger and they loved spending time together weather that was reading a book, putting a puzzle together or going swimming.  She was his buddy.  Timmy was the first grandson.  Dad was there when Timmy was born!  He was there when I called him and said we are being transferred to Blank.  Timmy and Dad had a special bond.  Then there was William.  William could get dad to do ANYTHING because he was just smitten with him!  When we were in Florida and dad was exhausted, William said "up grandpa" and Dad picked William up because he LOVED him!
Growing up as a child I have fond memories of making dad tread water when I was in preschool because I was scared to jump off the diving board BUT he wanted me to jump in so much that he bribed me with a McDonald's happy meal if I jumped in!  I jumped into his safe arms and never looked back!  My dad took us swimming just about every week he could.  He would have to bribe us with Slurpies from 7-Eleven to get us to leave the pool!  Some weeks we would go play putt-putt golf and he got to share in his enjoyment with his grandchildren because William called it "putt golf".  Once in awhile we would get a special treat and get to go to Chuck E Cheeses or to G.L.Perry's and buy something!  Does anyone remember G.L.Perry? My dad delighted in seeing us be happy and I know that God delights in his children when we are filled with joy!
Tomorrow I will share with you the story of separation and then the story of reconnection!  Don't miss it!

Rhett Walker Band

So, there's this new, up and coming band.  They are playing at WFRN Friend Fest in a few weeks and I HIGHLY Encourage you all to GO and support them!  If you love any of these bands then you more than likely will become a QUICK fan of them!  They sound similar to THIRD DAY, or if any of you all remember a band called THIS TRAIN.  Right up there with them!  They are out touring with the them FAMILY, FAITH and Country!  They actually wrote a really amazing song for their wives and I hope that they will share it with you all!  These guys I heard first on K-LOVE's Fan awards and they said "We are ALL a bunch of messed up people SAVED by Grace!"  So, so so TRUE yet so so so SIMPLE!!!! So, Here is their COVER ALBUM SONG!  Come to the River!  I feel like you should have a bunch of river dancers! :) And another one of their song's that is RIGHT UP there is BROTHER!

So the above link is to the song "BROTHER"!!

 "Come to the River"

Go find them and SUPPORT them!  They are AMAZING men of God who have been saved by Grace!  They LOVE some SUN DROP soda too!

Final thoughts on Rejection part 3

What brought all of this discussion on?  Ouch...this hurts!  Well, two weeks ago tomorrow I met this guy.  Said guy and I hit it off!  He was so easy to talk to and we could have talked for hours!  Said guy came over and hung out on a Friday night.  We kept talking into the wee hours.  Said guy came over again on the following Monday.  We talked again until the wee hours.  I was enjoying where this was going.  It was good!    BUT on Wednesday we texted back and forth most of the day.  First off I am not a HUGE fan of texting a whole lot because tone and emotion get lost and misinterpreted in texting.  He found my insecurity.  I allowed him to push me to talk about my insecurity.  But by opening up about my insecurity I kept asking if "I" was ok?  I was looking for that rejection.  Since he found my insecurity I wanted to be affirmed by seeing him, by getting a hug.  He had told me the day before that he was going to be busy for the next few weeks because of an assistant manager being fired.  But I continued to push and asked 4 times if I could see him!  I ruined something that could have been.  That I will now not know what could have been.  I was told I was too pushy and needy.  I will agree with the pushy part.  I also learned that by being in an unhealthy relationship for 11.5 years where I constantly sought out the rejection and the negativity that I have to reprogram my mind to know that not every guy is the same.  That being talked down to is not "normal".  So, the next time something good is placed in my lap I am going to enjoy it rather than seek out the rejection!

ReJection part 2

Now the more in depth part of this........
My parents divorced in between my 5th and 6th grade years.  That year the church that I had found stability in also split.  So, not only was I going through the moving to a new school, house, and my parents finding a new church.  I was also dealing with the loss of my dad moving out of state.  So, going into 6th grade I was already insecure about moving and lacked the social skills that most kids have to make new friends.  I clung to teachers because they were "safe" and were not going to reject me no matter how bad of a bowl cut I had or how ugly my teeth looked with braces or how hunched over I was!  They accepted me.  In many ways I wonder what my jr. high years could have been like HAD I been that outgoing, bubbly person that most people see now!  Well, the fact is I can't go back and change it but I can learn from it!  In some ways I see myself utilizing the gifts that God has given me to reach out to jr. high kids who are in that weird awkward stage of life.  When I am in the midst of ministering to jr. high kids it is the one place that I know I am NOT going to be rejected!  I can let my wall down and be who I was meant to be.  In high school I knew people but didn't have a "group" of friends that I hung out with either.  In some ways looking back I super duper protected myself by putting all sorts of Christian Band Patches on my backpack and wearing "Christian" shirts to school.  I had a nice bubble around myself because I didn't want to get hurt.  I'll never forget being in 7th grade gym class and this kid, his name was A.J.....he came up to me and asked if I wanted to go out.  I looked at him and said "no"!  I mean really who would have wanted to go out with me?  I don't even think I would have wanted to go out with me!  I was not the popular girl, nor the smart girl, nor the athletic girl.  I was the girl who wanted to be noticed!  In jr. high the cool kids wore Guess Jeans and had Esprite bags.  Do you remember those things?  I remember clearly, my mom taking me to the mall to look at buying a pair of Guess jeans and they were over $60 and she was like clearly I am not spending that kind of money on jeans for you.  REJECTION!!!!!!!!  Now my mom wasn't doing this out of hate, it just was not in the budget at that time.  From her saying "NO" to that I learned to condition myself that I was not worth this or that.  Now your thinking, didn't you know your mom LOVED you!  YES, I knew she loved me but for me this was more about how I was accepted at school.  I thought oh if I have those jeans then I can be accepted with the cool kids!  As I grew up throughout high school I learned as so many of you have to build that wall up around me.  If I don't let people in I won't have to feel rejected.  I didn't go through the "normal" high school boyfriend/girlfriend statues because I didn't want to be hurt.  I built that wall.  Why do we build a wall?  Why wouldn't we want to let someone in?  It's much easier to build the wall and just be casual than to let someone get in and know our heart.  To know the good, the bad, the ugly and STILL LOVE US for US!  This is my challenge going forward, to allow people in who want to invest in my life, who want to love me for me and stomp that fear of rejection in the ground!  If I get rejected it was for a good reason.  One I may or may not ever know or comprehend.  I have one more post to write.  Just not tonight!  What are you thoughts?

ReJection part 1

I am going to start a mini series on Rejection!  We have all dealt with it in one form or another.  I am going to be vulnerable about my experience with rejection!

Rejection HURTS!!!!  I don't know for you but for me it is easier to build this happy wall around myself so that I don't have to put myself out there  to be rejected.  If this is all they see then they will accept me and like me.  They won't know the hurt, broken and some times crazy Jennifer.  If I have my guarded wall around they will only know the fun, full of life Jennifer.  As I was talking to my co-worker the other day about how I push people to reject me so that I don't have to allow myself to get hurt.  It takes away the beauty of falling in love and getting to know someone because I am more worried about what they are thinking and if I am doing the right thing that will please them.  My co-worker said "you just need to ENJOY getting to know the other person and LET them tell YOU when they don't like something you are doing INSTEAD of constantly ASKING them!"  The light bulb went on and I realized that I am in a new phase of life and I need to put the past behind me the past where I was ALWAYS looking for approval despite being rejected time and time again.  I need to ENJOY this time!  How about you..........do you not knowing look to be rejected because then it might not hurt so bad in the end?  I know that this is kind of all over the place. My next post will be a bit more organized and detailed.  Thanks for reading! :)